Where's Frodo?
by wonderbread
Summary: Frodo's gone missing! It's up to the fellowship and Saruman to save him! (mild cussing)


Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. But I will. someday. I love Lord of the Rings and all it's characters. If you're offended, I'm sorry and I mean no harm. Seriously. Would I spend this long writing a fanfic about them if I didn't like them? Oh jeez, I love those boys of mine! But wait! I don't own them! Well, we'll work that out.  
  
Author's Note: This was written at 3:00 AM while I was on a coffee buzz.  
  
"Look! Light!" Boromir pointed out the exit to the Mines of Moria.  
  
"Yes!" And the eight ran off towards it.  
  
"But wait a second?" said Aragorn thoughtfully. "We're missing somebody?"  
  
"Well who could it be?" Gandalf asked.  
  
"Wait, aren't you dead?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Do I look dead?" Gandalf asked.  
  
"Aren't you supposed to die?" Gimli asked.  
  
"Are you ignoring me?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Does it seem so?" Aragorn said quietly.  
  
"AM I A TREE?!" Merry asked.  
  
"Would you like to have something to eat?" Sam. sang. He was wearing a rather large apron. And there was a deep, thoughtful silence as the others pondered this question. There was an even longer pause as the remaining 8 waited for the last member to speak. Or, ask.  
  
"Wait! Am I the only person that remembers Frodo is missing?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Who in the what now?" Boromir asked.  
  
"MAYONNAISE!" Gandalf thundered as lightning crackled and storm clouds brewed in the distance. There was a pause. Then Gandalf disappeared.  
  
"Am I a tree?" Merry pondered.  
  
"I think Gandalf just disappeared," Legolas said with his amazing powers of observation. Everyone stared at him as if he had grown a rather large nose hair on his forehead. "What?" Legolas asked, running a hand through his hair.  
  
"That's my hand," Pippin screamed in terror.  
  
"Oh, sorry old chap," Legolas released the hand, which fell to the ground with a thud.  
  
"So anyway, where's Frodo?" Aragorn said. All seven stared off into the distance. Legolas sat on a rock with his hand on his chin, looking thoughtful. Aragorn clamped a palm to his chin, staring off into the distance. Boromir tapped his nose as he pondered. Gimli rested against his axe with closed eyes, thinking and becoming dangerously close to collapsing. Merry scratched Sam's butt secretly as he thought. Sam was chopping broccoli with deadly accuracy. Pippin was desperately trying to fit his hand back to his wrist, duct tape flying everywhere.  
  
"Gandalf disappeared," Boromir said wisely. And everyone thought some more.  
  
Legolas, finding all this thinking rather difficult and tiring, said, "I'm going to strike some sexy poses that make me look reaaaaal nice." He grinned and struck several poses. Gimli watched him intently and tapped an eyeball.  
  
"That's my eyeball!" Pippin yelled out in pain and torment. "I finally got my hand back in but some bugger stole my eyeball! The same one that stole Gandalf!"  
  
"Am I a tree?" Merry pondered again.  
  
As the seven were about to take off, there came a lilting voice. "Don't forget the ring-bearer. He stole my couch." Over exaggerated gasps filled the air.  
  
"Saruman!" Boromir shouted. He unsheathed his sword and attacked. He swung with deadly accuracy, his sword gleaming in the sunlight.  
  
"Stop attacking me!" Pippin yelled out, searching for his missing eyeball. As soon as he fit his eyeball into its socket, his big toe fell off and rolled off, disguising itself as a cocktail weenie. "Agh! Where's my toe?"  
  
"Take that, Saruman!" Boromir shouted as he sheathed his sword.  
  
"But he's right behind you?" Aragorn said pointedly. Meanwhile, Gimli was eating a cocktail weenie that Sam just cooked. Legolas was still posing. Merry was still wondering if he was a tree.  
  
"I came here all this way to stop the Fellowship from destroying the ring so where is it? Give me the ring!" Saruman outstretched his hand, expecting a ring. A half-eaten cocktail weenie fell onto it.  
  
"Frodo's gone. Probably eaten by the Balrog," Gimli said. "And give me back my cocktail weenie!"  
  
"I say we look for Mister Frodo!" Sam yelled regally, standing up and forgetting about his cooking. The fire spread slowly.  
  
"Yes? We shall go?" Aragorn said grimly. And so the Fellowship. and Saruman. went back into the Mines of Moria! But what about Gandalf? Did you forget? He fell off the bridge with the Balrog! Behind them, a flame burst into glory, setting alight the trees. and a big toe. Pippin screamed.  
  
"Something's eating my toe!" he yelled out.  
  
"That sucks," Saruman said insightfully.  
  
"Look, it's the bridge?' Aragorn said happily. Indeed, they had walked until Pippin's foot fell off.  
  
"GOOD GOD! LOOK AT MY FOOT! IT'S GONE! AHHH!" Pippin wailed.  
  
"Yes? It is gone? I see that it is gone? Stop complaining? Now, ONWARD??????" Aragorn pointed straight ahead of him and Saruman began to discreetly move his finger toward his own nose.  
  
"Saruman!" Sam screamed.  
  
Saruman, eyes wide and finger in nose, stopped dead in his tracks. But that was hard because he wasn't moving. He sighed reluctantly and removed his finger from his nose. Aragorn had been too busy pointing that he hadn't noticed.  
  
Several moments later, Legolas came running in behind them. "You guys left me!" (a/n: poor Legolas! I LOVE LEGO)  
  
As the 7 and Saruman walked deeper and deeper into the mines, a feeling of deja vu overcame them. And then they realized they had been walking backwards and they were at the exit.  
  
"DAMN???????" Aragorn shouted as he shook his fist angrily.  
  
"Wait, guys." Merry stopped in his tracks and turned around to look at the 6 and Saruman.  
  
"What is it? What? What? Another Balrog? SPIT IT OUT! WHAT IS IT!!! ARE WE IN DANGER? AGGGGHHHHH WHAT IS IT???" Gimli roared.  
  
"I am not a tree." Merry said as-a-matter-of-factly and skipped away, back into the Mines. Everyone ran after him, tripping over Orc carcasses and what not. And then Pippin lost his middle finger. Both of them.  
  
"How will I express my anger now? AHHH!" Pippin yelled in frustration. He balled his fists towards Saruman. "Oh wait." He looked back at his middle finger-less hands. "Rats." Somehow they had gotten to the broken bridge.  
  
"Well, let's jump in after Frodo then," Legolas sighed.  
  
"But wait? Is that not a foot on the other side?" Aragorn said inquisitively.  
  
"That's my foot!" Pippin cried. "How'd it get over there? Rotten stealing unsuspicious looking squirrels. They mess everything up!" Somewhere, deep in the mines, a squirrel sneezed.  
  
"FRODO? WAS THAT YOU FRODO?" Boromir asked loudly.  
  
"Boromir, that was a squirrel. It disturbs me how you can't seem to tell the difference between Mr. Frodo and a squirrel." Sam shook his head in disapproval.  
  
ALL OF A SUDDEN, NAPOLEON BONAPARTE APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE! "MY CORONATION MARKED THE BEGINNING OF A FRENCH EMPIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRE!!" He shouted. He fell to his knees and threw his hands up in the air. "I MANAGED TO TAKE OVER MOSCOW IN BURNING RUIN!!!!!!!!! AND I TOOK OVER ALMOST EVERY COUNTRY IN FUCKIN EUROPE!!! Except Britain. They beat my legendary French citizen army on the naval front. And BROUGHT MY EMPIRE TO A CLOSE AT WATERLOO AND FORCED ME INTO EXILE IN ST. HELENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Napoleon started to cry uncontrollably.  
  
"He's my hero," Boromir said dreamily. "Hopefully I, too, will take over this entire land and RULE ALL YOU ASSES!" He cackled maniacally. Meanwhile, everyone looked up from their game of poker.  
  
"Oh I'm sorry did you say something?" Merry asked.  
  
Saruman walked up to Napoleon. "I too had ambitions like you, my friend." When Saruman noticed Napoleon was not listening to him, and was staring off into the distance, Saruman poked a finger into Napoleon's flesh.  
  
"AGH! THAT WAS YOUR BOOGER FINGER!" Napoleon screamed. He threw himself off the bridge, into the flames.  
  
"So anyway, whatever happened to that little guy with the ring?" Pippin asked.  
  
"You mean Frodo?" Legolas questioned.  
  
"Sure. Whatever."  
  
"What do you mean whatever! The ring is capable of the destruction of Middle-Earth! And if Sauron gets a hold of it, WE WILL ALL DIE."  
  
"But if Frodo's missing, then Sauron doesn't know where he is, unless he puts on the ring. Which he won't. So we're safe for the time being. Right?"  
  
"Yeah sure. That's what we'll be thinking until we DIE."  
  
"But you're so hot."  
  
"Until I DIE."  
  
"You have pretty hair."  
  
"It won't be pretty when I DIE."  
  
MEANWHILE.....  
  
"Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon! You come and gOoOoooOOoo.." Balrog sang.  
  
It was dark. In the depths of Moria, Gandalf, Frodo, Balrog and tons of hideous creatures that lurk in the under-Earth were singing Karaoke.  
  
"Okay! My turn!" Gandalf said. He took the microphone from Balrog and began to sing... "I'm just a girl in the world. So please don't let me have any riiiiighhhhtttsss.."  
  
Frodo began picking his ear. All of the sudden, two middle fingers, a foot, and Napoleon Bonaparte splashed several feet next to them.  
  
"I WAS THE GREATEST EMPEROR!!!!!!!!!" Napoleon screamed.  
  
"No, I'd have to say Genghis Kahn was better." Frodo said.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Napoleon suddenly exploded into a pile of ashes and dust.  
  
"Oh well that was fun, I should start getting back now. It's getting late and I've got some ring destroying to do." Frodo waved and was on his way. He was climbing up the walls. 


End file.
